IQ Test Required

Raven's Progressive Matrices Example

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In a shocking (and welcome) twist, the Utah Legislature has passed a bill that will require a license to own or be responsible for the following items: guns, credit cards, smartphones and children. The license will require an IQ test be taken and passed with a score of 110 or higher and it must be administered by a certified psychologist. For those people who have already had their IQ tested, such as to become a member of MENSA, as long as you can provide certified results, the test will be waived.

For those people already in possession of one of the items, you are grandfathered in, for now. If there is any misuse or mis-treatment of the items or children in your care, you will be required to undergo the testing process and if your IQ score is found lacking, your privilege of owning or taking care of the above items will be revoked.

“We felt like that for the human race to maintain it’s achievements and possibly even progress, these items were in dire need of being regulated by the government.” said John Stephens, R-West Jordan. “Have you seen that picture of the kid in the shopping cart with a produce bag over it’s head while the mother/aunt/grandmother pushes the cart? I have seen the confusion when people try to work a smartphone. And credit cards? The debt the American public is carrying is ludicrous. How can we tax the bejesus out of them if they have that much debt? We feel that for the common good, people like that should not be allowed to handle devices or concepts as advanced as credit cards or parenthood.”

Opponents of the bill were few as you can see in the vote totals, however lobbyist Tamera Jenkins of Wal-Mart is very outspoken in her opposition.

“How can you require an IQ test and a license for something that Mother Nature has given nearly all human beings the capability of doing? Having children is a natural right! The others, I can see, and even agree with, but not having children!”

Mr. Stephens, the sponsor of the bill and member of the West Jordan community where no citizen under an IQ of 110 is allowed, said he feels that the time to do something was long overdue. Surprisingly, most of his colleagues in the legislature agreed. The bill cruised through the legislature to votes of 39-2 in the Senate and 89-3 in the House. It now goes to Governor Herbert for a signature. Because of the overwhelming support for the bill in both houses of the legislature, Gov. Herbert –who has an IQ of 105– is still expected to sign the bill into law.

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say…

Zombieland!

Zombie

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Question found on a popular Q&A site: why do I have rotting skin around the knuckles?

WIDTS: You are a zombie.

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say…

Diverted Brain Power

Grayscale image of a Microsoft LifeCam VX-3000...

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Question posted on a popular Q&A site: SKYPE: Do I need a webcam in order to video chat with someone?

WIDTS: Only if you want to video chat with someone. Are you effing serious?!?!?! Please don’t think too hard about anything as your brain may have to divert resources from critical processes like breathing.

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say…


Shallow End of the Gene Pool

Cover of Not in our Genes.

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Question posed on a popular Q&A site: Can people be sold on e-bay? Please don’t tell me it’s illegal, I know that’s just a myth the government tries to scare us with. Damn government controls everything.

WIDTS: Please do so so that your idiot genes can be removed from the gene pool until you are too old to reproduce.

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say…


X-Ray after the fact

Skull X-ray, side view

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Question posed on a popular Q&A site:

Will the police be able to identify?

So the story is, one of my neighbors kept vandalizing my truck so I hid my truck at a different spot like 7 times because he was creative and did something different to my truck every time. I got tired, finally got a security camera for my baloncy this weekend and have it watch the parking lot where my truck is. But I’m still paranoid because what if next time he does something to my truck, he wears a black mask that covers his face completely and the camera isn’t able to show what he looks like? If I take the footage to the police, will they still be able to identify him?

WIDTS: Yes, because police have an X-ray filter that can tell them who is behind any mask.
  

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say… 

Don’t Call Us, We Won’t Call You

Out to Lunch (video game)

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Me: We are their lunchtime answering service.

Caller: Are they gone for the rest of the day?

WIDTS: Yes, “lunch” is the codeword for “They don’t want to ever talk to you.”

*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say…


Trading: Savvy Veteran

A black pug puppy next to an overweight adult pug.

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Status Update from Facebook: Anyone want or know of anyone who wants a AKC pug. They just want a good home and one puppy if you breed her.

WIDTS: What I read here was : “Willing to trade death experience to you in exchange for saving you $1000 and a player to be named later.”

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say….

Under Where?

Underwear 01

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Question posed on a popular Q&A site: What should i a 13-14 year old boy wear under my clothes?

WIDTS: I am going to assume that ‘underwear’ is far too simple of an answer to this question. As a replacement, how about a thin layer of meat? And then you can wear that to an outing at the zoo.

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say….

We Have A Fuzzy!

Great white shark. Photo by Terry Goss, copyri...

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Question posed on a popular Q&A site: If you get slits operated on in your throat can you breah under water?

WIDTS: Yes just like if you get a horizontal slit in your stomach you can give birth to a kangaroo.

© 2011 by What I Desired to Say….



A Different Noon?

Hot Noon (or 12 O'Clock for Sure)

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Me: Checkout time is noon.

Caller: Is that 12 o’clock?

WIDTS: Is ‘noon’ a slang term for something OTHER than 12 o’clock? Is there a foreign language where the word ‘noon’ means something else? Because if so, I can assure you I was speaking standard English.

*Actual caller handled by me when I worked at an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say…