Bad connection…between her ears.

Caller: Parts department, please?

Me: I’m sorry you’ve dialed the wrong number. You have reached an answering service

Caller: Is this Mason Grimmel?

Me: It is. Can you hold while I connect you to the parts department? If you hear a dial tone, just wait, they’ll be right with you.

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

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With vs. When

Caller: I need to re-schedule my 11 o’clock appointment.

Me: OK, do you know who your appointment is with?

Caller: It’s at 11 o’clock

Me: Great. Thank you for answering the “What is your disability?” question. Now WHO – IS – YOUR – APPOINTMENT – WITH?

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

History lesson

Me: May I have your Phone Number please?

Caller: It’s a long story.

Me: It’s only 10 digits. I don’t want/need a history of the last 50 years of your Phone Number OK?

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

Worthless

Caller: I’m having a problem with my microwave. Everything works great except the microwaving part.

Me: So it’s basically worthless. Kinda like that last statement, right?

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

En Espanish?

Caller: Hablo Espanol?

Me: No. I do not.

Caller: *continuing to ramble along in Spanish*

Me: Now, I know you understood the word “NO”, because its the same word in English as in Spanish.

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

Psychic Attorneys Network?

Me: Law Office. How can we help you?

Caller: Simone Butler, please.

Me: I’m sorry but she is not available at this…

Caller: F*** this!

Me: May I have your name?

Caller: She knows who the F*** this is!

Me: I’m sorry sir. You called a law office, not the Psychic Friends Network.

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*Actual caller handled by the me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

No, but…yes?

Me: Is there anything else you’d like to include in the message?

Caller: No, but can you just let them know…

Me: …let them know that you are incapable of comprehending a complete thought, maybe?

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

No Shit, Sherlock?

Me: Attorneys for Disability. How may I help you?

Caller: Is Fred in?

Me: I’m Sorry he is not. May I take a message?

Caller: Please have him call Jess Mission @ 810-555-1234.

Me: May I let him know what the call is regarding?

Caller: Disability.

Me:Really? It’s not about a trip to the moon?!?!

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

Same=Different?

Me: May I ask your billing address please?

Caller: 1234 Main street, Springfield, IL

Me: And are we shipping to the same address?

Caller: Yes. Please ship to 666 Main Drive, Wheatfield, WV

Me: OK, which alternate reality do you live in where the word “same” actually means “different”. Can I live there part-time?

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

Information Dirt road

Me: Thank you for calling Intercoms…

Caller: I had some questions about wireless intercoms… Oh! I found your website.

Me: Great! Amazing how the information superhighway of tomorrow we were promised back in the 90’s is now here, isn’t it?

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*