The $.01 Question

Caller: It says here on your website that you don’t do jobs under $1000. Is that correct?

Me: Actually it’s not. We don’t do jobs under $1,000,000,000. The webmaster can be so lazy sometimes.

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*Actual caller handled by me while I was working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

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Yes, no, maybe so?

Me: I’m sorry, he’s not available at the moment. Can I take a message?

Caller: No, but you can tell him…

Me: So I can tune out your upcoming rant since there’s no message you’d like to leave, correct?

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*Actual caller handled by me while I was working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say…

Smells Like…

Me: To make sure I have your name correct, can I ask you to spell it, please?

Caller: Savonya. Did you ask me to spell it?

Me: Uh, actually, I asked you to smell it.

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*Actual caller handled by me while I was working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

Someone out there…

Caller: I need to speak to someone, please.

Me: Chopped liver, at your service. How may I help you?

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

Split Therapy

Me: Mrs. Kohl is not available at the moment. Can I leave a message for her?

Caller: No. Does she have a voicemail?

Me: Yes. Please call 888-Therapist and press option 1… no, wait, option 2 for split personality syndrome treatment.

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

Secret Agent Man

Caller: Can you tell me what other places might carry the merchandise you sell?

Me: Absolutely! I am a secret double agent for our biggest competitor. If I do my job well enough, I can be out of work @ both companies!

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

iPaperweight?

Found under an article about extending your phone’s battery life:

In airplane mode and running just the alarm clock, your iPhone battery will last up to a week,” said Kyle Wiens, co–founder of ifixit.com, an online iPhone and Mac laptop repair company.

WIDTS: So we just paid hundreds of dollars for that fancy gadget and to extend the life of the battery, you expect us to turn it into the iPaperweight?

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say….

Committed

Me: Thank you for calling IntercomsOnTheNet.com. How can I help you?

Caller: I am calling about your ABC Wireless intercom.

Me: OK, great.

Caller: Well, aren’t you going to help me?!

Me: Absolutely. As soon as you give me some kind of an idea of HOW I can help you. Oh wait… you have. I’ll call your psychotherapist and schedule a committal date.

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

ABC 123

Caller: My Name is Stephen Lyons

Me: Could you spell that for me please?

Caller: It is Capital S-t-e-p-h-e-n, capital L-y-o-n-s

Me: Thank you. And your email address please?

Caller: stephenlyons@yahoo.com. That’s Capital S-t-e-p-h-e-n, capital L-y-o-n-s @, the symbol over the 2, y-a-h-o-o dot c-o-m.

Me: Thank you for spelling your name AGAIN. I didn’t get it the first time.

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

A Capital Idea

Caller: My Name is Stephen Lyons

Me: Could you spell that for me please?

Caller: It is Capital S-t-e-p-h-e-n, capital L-y-o-n-s

Me: I’m not sure which country you are from sir, but us heathens here in the United States also capitalize all proper nouns such as names & places.

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*