Odd Time for a Deportation

English: Wave pool of Boulder Beach

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last night I went to the local waterpark. While we were sitting in the wave pool between wave periods, playing with the inner tube, a child of South American descent comes up to us and asks, “Can I use that when you’re done with it?”

“Well, no. This one is ours.”

“Can you get me one?”
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French is Dangerous

As a person that has had some recent dealings with people who speak French as their main means of communication, I wholeheartedly concur!


You’ve heard me talk about this before (Merde 101).  But the world has gotten more dangerous since I wrote that piece.  We need to be on the lookout.  We need to be vigilant.  We need to speak English.  No, this is not an anti-immigrant piece.  This is a potential-worldwide-calamity-caused-by-incomprehensible-grammar piece.

Yes, it’s true.  I’m saying that all roads to terrorism are sign-posted in FRENCH.  Believe me.  I lived there.  I know.  Well, I don’t know the language, but I know those signposts.  And what they say.  More or less.

Why would I make such an accusation?  Because French is stupid.

Well, actually, it’s really French possessives.  French possessives are stupid, illogical, dangerous.

You see, in French, objects get the gender of the object/noun, not the owner.  And that, is of course, the problem.

Imagine that there is a man and a woman in a train…

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Vocabulary Lesson

Caller: I was looking through my checking account and I see this $29.95 charge in the transitions on my account…

Me: I’m sorry, but did you say ‘transitions’ on your account?

Caller: Yeah, I see this $29.95 transition from your company here in my checking account. What’s it for?

WIDTS: Vocabulary lessons.

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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I Don’t Get It…

Caller: Why did you charge me for $29.95?

Me: As part of a payday loan application that was filled out recently, there was a clause in the application that you would be enrolled in this service if you were approved for the loan. The service is intended to save you money and help you pay back the loan more easily or hopefully, not need those loans in the future.

Caller: But I was approved! Why was I charged?

WIDTS: You were charged because of your (in)ability to pay attention and quickly process information, obviously.

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Call You a ‘Maybe’?

Me: Hello, sir. I am calling on behalf of XYZ Services due to some changes in their Accounts Payable department that could delay payments to your company in the future. I do have some early payment options that can help you receive your payments more quickly. Can I get your email address so I can send you a letter explaining those options?

Alleged vendor: What?! How dare you call me and talk about further delaying my payments! Do you even know what I was paid for? I was paid a settlement for a lawsuit that was 15 years settled before I saw a dime! 15 YEARS! so don’t be calling me about delayed payments and early payment options…

WIDTS: So, can I mark you down for a ‘maybe’, then?

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Our Legally

This is an email response I received from a voicemail I left for a contact:

our you sure we provide legal services to your company? Our terms our
due upon receipt. Please call me to discuss. Thanks Nick

WIDTS: After that, I am now sure that I do NOT want your firm to provide my company legal services. Unless you are going to represent me in the backwoods areas of the world.

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Captain Oblivious Returns Again

Voicemail I received from a customer: Hi, I got an email from John and my email address is: moron@idiotsinc.com. I do not want to accept an early payment option and I don’t understand what you mean when you say, “Please follow the directions in the attached form.”

WIDTS: I can see that simple directions are much too complicated for you, miss. Would instructions a 5th grader could understand be more understandable coming from your 5th grade teacher? I can call Miss Miller and have her on the line to interpret for you, if necessary.

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Even the idiots are bigger in Texas


A fan of the Dallas Cowboys has sued the team for 3rd-degree burns she suffered while “allegedly sitting on a bench outside Cowboys Stadium before a team scrimmage in August 2010.”

The bench is made of black marble and in the August sun “caused the bench to become extremely hot and unreasonably dangerous.”

She suffered third-degree burns to her backside and had to undergo subsequent skin grafts to treat the burns.

WIDTS: Now I know where the term red-ass comes from.

But seriously, how long did she have to sit on that bench to suffer THIRD-degree burns on her ass? And being from Texas, doesn’t she KNOW how hot things get in August? How fucking stupid are some people?

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Offending Offensive

At work, we have a pretty loose and jocular atmosphere. However, I work in one of the MOST conservative areas in the United States, so the threat of a harassment complaint is real. And it’s not even for ribald jokes or salty language.

One of my friends here told me of a new person that got assigned to the project he was working on. She is this super Molly-Mormon-Goody-Two-Shoes who apparently gets offended when someone even uses the words “Crap” or “Dang”.

When I heard this, I told him that he should go on the offensive and tell her, “Actually, I am offended by your holier than thou attitude, bitch!”