So Relieved

So this weekend my soon-to-be 17-year old daughter again spent the weekend. She has a condition called HHT. I’ll spare you the technical definition, but suffice it to say it gives her headaches, nosebleeds and on more than one occasion it has caused her to pass out; once behind the wheel of her car. Needless to say, she uses a LOT of Tylenol.

However, she is not what you would call a “pill-popper”. Why is this? Well, for one, her mother moderates her medicinal use and two, because she doesn’t use the Tylenol in pill form. She takes it in liquid form. Yes, there is liquid Tylenol, and no it’s not the children’s type.

It is a rather rare thing to find in stores, which I found out this weekend. My daughter was having a flare-up of her condition and had forgotten to bring some of the stash she keeps at her mother’s so we stopped at a couple of places to see if we could find some. After the third place and not finding any of the normal strength, only the children’s strength, I got a tad frustrated and asked her why she couldn’t take pills like a normal almost-adult. the answer? “Because my gag reflex is so strong”

WIDTS: Her response was a relief to me and made her pending womanhood much easier to swallow.

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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F.P.A.

Rep: ABC Services, this is Jennie. How can I direct your call?

Me: Hello, my name is Tom, calling on behalf of Ring Divide. I am looking for the Accounts Receivable department, please.

Rep: Certainly, sir. Can I tell them the nature of the call?

Me: I am calling to advise them of some changes with Ring Divide’s Account’s Payable procedures that could delay payments to your company and offer some early payment options.

Rep: And what company are you with, sir?

WIDTS: I am with F.P.A. also known as, Fucking Pay Attention!

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Talking to the Air

Me: Thank you for calling XYZ company, may I get your name to find an account file?

Caller: Larry

(Pause)

Me: And do you have a last name, sir?

Caller: Oh, yeah. Dennison

Me: Thank you sir. Ok I see an account with that name. May I have you confirm your address?

Caller: 1234 Main Street, Idiotville.

Me: Ok thank you. And how may I help you?

Caller: I see your company has withdrawn $29.95 from my account. Can you tell me why?

Me: Sure. We partner with a number of payday loan companies to offer their customers a financial assistance package that can help save then up to $300. Have you applied for a payday loan, recently?

Caller: No.

Me: So you’ve never applied for a short-term loan ever?

Caller: Well not with you…

WIDTS: That much is obvious, sir. What is also obvious is that you lack the mental capacity to enroll in our program, so I will be refunding you the $29.95 fee. Unless you’d like to purchase our do-it-yourself IQ Improvement kit, which as strange as it may seem, is ALSO the same price.

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Short Memory

Me: Did you apply for a payday loan recently?

Caller: No

Me: Have you at anytime in the past?

Caller: Yeah.

Me: When did you last apply for a payday loan?

Caller: Couple weeks ago.

WIDTS: In THIS universe, sir, a couple weeks ago would be classified as recent. Just FYI for future reference. 

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Answer Me Please!

Me: The program is optional & completely refundable. Would you be interested in learning how we could save you up to $300?

Caller: Oh my God. If you people don’t give me back my money, I’m going to throw a fit.

Me: As I ment…

Caller: No, I would not be interested!

WIDTS: Would you be interested in this “Learn How to Behave Like a Human Being” program we offer as well?

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Attention Paid

Caller: I see a charge from your company on my account and I was wondering how it got there because I don’t know who you are.

Me: We partner with a number of payday lenders to offer this financial services program to their clients. When you applied for a loan with one of our partners there was a clause on the application that stated if you were declined for the loan you would then be enrolled in our program. 

Caller: Well can you cancel that because I don’t understand how you charged me.

WIDTS: I am going to go out on a limb here and say that your teachers almost always wrote, “Has a hard time paying attention.” on your report cards and parent/teacher conference notes, right?

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Last Name?

Me: OK, I can help you with that. May I get your name so I can pull up your account info?

Caller: James…

Me: (waiting for a last name)

Caller: Did you need my last name?

WIDTS: Nope, out of ALL the James’ in the world, your idiocy shines bright enough that I can find your account with just your first name. 

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Customer DISservice

Rep: XYZ Zippers, how may I direct your call?

Me: Accounts Receivable, please?

Rep: Certainly, sir. One moment please.

Rep #2:Customer service, this is Jeannie. How can I help you?

Me: Uh, actually I was looking for someone in Accounts Receivable…

Rep #2: I’m in customer service. How can I help you?

Me: (Alright, retard; here goes) I am calling on behalf of PDQ Industries who are making some changes to their DPO. I am calling to offer some early payment options so your DSO won’t be affected on the half-million dollars in sales your company does annually with PDQ Industries. Do you handle that?

Rep #2: Let me transfer you to the Accounts Receivable supervisor.

WIDTS: Yeah, NOW you transfer me. AFTER I embarrassed you. 

Lesson learned: Start saying things that are so over the head of the idiots that answer the call that they will naturally pass me along to someone of my intelligence strata. Or, you know, the person I asked to speak with originally.

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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