Redux: The uppercrust of intelligence…

Merriam-Webster’s 11 th edition of the Collegi...

Caller: Upper-Anterior (Front) teeth is for the top front teeth correct?

Let’s consult Webster’s dictionary, shall we? Upper seems to indicate top, and Front, well unless it’s a random Opposite Day in the English language, front means front. Wouldn’t you agree?

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say….

Redux: Multi-tasking

Me: Thank you for calling ABC Company. This is Steven. How can I help you?

Caller: Willard?

Me: Yes, I’m Willard. I’d like to avoid all of my paying customers, so I’m using a fake name to simultaneously take your call and avoid you at the same time. I’m multi-tasking!!

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*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say….

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The Odds Are…

Saw a commercial for Publishers Clearinghouse the other day and something started eating away at me. I couldn’t figure out what it was until today when I was watching the episode of The Big Bang Theory where Leonard’s mom visits and she and Sheldon start talking about the odds that two whackadoodles like them could be connected by someone as comparatively "ordinary" as Leonard. And then it hit me.

For all of the alleged ‘Winners’ of their sweepstakes, you’d think by now everyone in America would personally know someone who knows someone who knows someone that actually won, right? The odds would state that this is extremely likely at this point.

So why do people that I know not know anyone that knows someone who has won, hmmm?

And then it hit me. I need to move next to a winner so I can make sure that the math of probability will no longer be wrong.

For My Health, Dumbass

Today, I went to the local fast food establishment {<~~ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITY!<~~} that is running a promotion based on one of Milton Bradley's most popular board games. Hell, it might be the most popular board game ever. I'm pretty sure it's the most famous board game of all time at least. But anywhoo, I'm sitting there with my headphones in listening to music and using the free Wi-Fi and this dude comes up to me and basically INSISTS that I talk to him. WTF, man?

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Hit the Switch!

So I’m in the parking lot at a local grocery store (<< Advertising opportunity!) and I see this gentleman exiting the store carrying his purchases. Nothing unusual about that, right? Well, that’s where you’d be wrong. In addition to carrying his ONE bag of groceries, he was pushing an EMPTY cart OUT OF THE STORE! He proceeded to then place the cart in the ‘cart corral’ and got in his car.

WIDTS: I realize you might be on your lunch break sir, but do you think you could keep your brain turned ON during that time? The people who you are driving near will probably appreciate it. Thanks.

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Degrees of Intelligence

Hello Sally,

Thank you for replying to Zubb, Ltd’s Early Payment Initiative. You have mentioned in your last email that you would like to stay with the contract on file rather than receive payments more quickly from Zubb, Ltd. Just for the sake of making sure we have the correct info recorded for ZYX, Inc., our records do not show a contract on file between Zubb, Ltd. and ZYX, Inc.

In order for us to get you paid on the Net 30 basis you reference instead of the new Net 60 standard we are moving to, please fill out the attached form completely, making sure to include the title of the contract and the name of your Zubb, Ltd. contact. Without that information, there is a risk of having Zubb, Ltd issue payments on a Net 60 basis starting on 10/31/12 since we do not show a contract on file.

Thanks for your time and efforts,

WIDTS

WIDTS,

I have asked our records department to provide you with a copy of the contract because we would like to receive full payment within 30 days rather than you taking a 2% discount off payment for our invoices and paying us in 30 days.

Regards,

Sally

WIDTS: Sally, may I assume that you are a walking advertisement of a society that values a fucking piece of paper over actual intelligence and ability? 

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Immediate Assistance, Please!

Called a company today and their automated IVR went like this:

Thank you for calling ZYX Company. Please listen closely as our menu options have recently changed. For Support, please press One. For Customer Service, please press Two. For immediate assistance, please press Zero.

WIDTS: So… what you’re saying is… Continue reading

Not Authorized?

Vendor: We do not offer discounts to customers.

Me: Alright, I understand that, but wouldn’t receiving payments a month earlier be a benefit to your company?

Them: No, it would not be.

Me: Are you the person authorized to make these decisions for the company?

Them: No.

WIDTS: May I ask then, why the FUCK you are? 

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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When can you confirm?

Email exchange between myself and a vendor:

Vendor: I discussed this issue with my CFO and we are going to decline the early payment options and stick to the contracted terms of Net30.

Me: Thank you for your response to the Early Payment Initiative. I have recorded your company’s response as follows:

Company:                               IQ Management Apps, Inc.

Selected Payment Term:        Contractual Net30

New Terms Effective Date:    Blah, blah, blah…

Vendor: “When can you confirm that we will stay on the Net30?”

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