So there’s this teenager I know who recently got into trouble by stealing money from the register where they worked. Pretty stupid, right? Yeah, incredibly stupid.
But this story gets even better.
They go to court and since they are a minor, the judge says they have to take a class and they are on probation for a year. If this idiot teenager stays out of trouble for that year then the theft charge will be expunged.
So what do they do this week? They post on Facebook that they pulled the fire alarm at school. Continue reading →
In response to the serious, and completely ridiculous, list of “non-negotiables” that a middle-aged, single woman posted on her blog, I present responses from a rational middle -aged man(Me):
Honesty/Integrity – Don’t lie to me that I’m the best you’ve ever had if I’m not. I’m a grown-up and can handle the truth. If you did share that I am not, in fact, the best you’ve ever had, I might be inclined to become BETTER!
Dress – If you dress semi-slutty for our first date, I expect you to dress that way on a regular basis going forward.
Confident/Secure – Don’t ask me if something makes your ass look fat. If you think so, then it does and no amount of “You look fabulous, honey.” from me is going to change your mind.
Self-awareness – See the original post.
Humility – Knows/accepts when she’s done or said something wrong and can apologize (no excuses, but rather reasons) – Because women are known to be bastions of humility and being able to accept when they are not correct, right?
Responsible/Dependable – Don’t go all apeshit on me when I tell you that I can’t afford to do the ENTIRE Prince Charming scenario all the Disney Princesses have implanted on your brain as realistic. I’m being RESPONSIBLE.
Respectful – Don’t go all apeshit on me when I tell you that I am not going to do the ENTIRE Prince Charming scenario all the Disney Princesses have implanted on your brain as realistic. That would be called disrespect.
Non-procrastinator (terminal) – Well if I procrastinated getting involved in a long-term relationship with all the other middle-aged women with unrealistic expectations, you are certainly one that would change my mind… (rolls eyes)
Must be good to me and FOR me (as well as for my children…i.e. male figure, role model) – While many a man credits their maturation into being respectable human beings to their woman, just as many credit their EX-women with making them crazy.
Enjoys snuggling/kissing/PDA – My idea of PDA probably includes a pinch of the ass, a squeeze of the boob or a lewd comment when around my friends.
Social/Work/Hobbies/Alone Time – And another confusing statement from a woman. Gee, what a surprise…
E.Q. – the ability to correctly assess the emotions and oneself and those with whom one interacts – Right, because straight men are so in tune with their feelings and especially of those around them? Are you fucking insane?
Conversation/Communication skills – Did I communicate my disdain of your exceedingly ludicrous standards sufficiently?
Shares all household responsibilities (cooking/cleaning/bills etc) – So you’re going to share in all the car maintenance & yard work then?
Ambition/Dreams/Goals – If this is defined as “run the rat race and earn enough money for me to live the pampered Disney Princess lifestyle I expect to become accustomed to”, well, let’s just say, we aren’t getting along. EVER.
Non-abusive – Why is this not Number One? If I was a woman of any age, that’d be a non-starter issue right there. But it’s apparently not that big of a deal to you since it’s #17. So you’ll evidently put up with a little bit. Is Chris Brown your idea of a sexy man?
Vulnerable – I’m not 15. I have life experience. Think of this as a challenge(#24).
Compassionate – Obviously, I am not based on my responses to your “requirements” so far.
Empathetic – Empathy. Compassion. Slightly different leaves from the same damn tree. Let’s move on…
Willingness to grow – But when I add an extra 20 pounds to really be able to “drive my point home”, I bet I lose my grasp of #7 on your list, right?
Boundaries – What. The. Fuck? Does that mean I can’t see your text messages because you are still searching for Prince Charming?
Work Ethic – I’d have to have one that exceeded John Henry’s if I was to keep up with all of these damn requirements.
Enriching/Challenging/Nurturing – I challenge you to make me a sandwich & bring me a beer…
Sense of humor – The guy that gets this far into the list without laughing his ass off doesn’t have one. Strike 25.
Financial stability – Don’t go all apeshit on me when I tell you that I can’t afford to do the ENTIRE Prince Charming scenario all the Disney Princesses have implanted on your brain as realistic.
And maybe even more…. – And if YOU don’t even know all that YOU want in a man, exactly WHAT man is going to be EVER able to measure up to your ridiculous standards?
Sorry kid. Didn’t see you using the bench I’m sitting on as a parkour launching pad. Tell you what… I’ll pay for the doctor bills IF your parents can produce a video of them teaching you manners and how to act in public in the next 2 hours. Here’s a tissue for your bloody nose.
So today, I take the step-kid into the convenience store to use the restroom. Door’s locked, but he really needs to go so he jiggles the handle.
After a couple minutes of hearing no activity on the other side of the door(that’s actually a really disturbing thought), I decide I’m going to jiggle the handle because whoever was in there might not have heard the urgency that was in the original jiggle of the handle. This prompts a flurry of activity from the person occupying the restroom.
A minute or so later he(one of the “Adventure Guides” all morbidly obese with a scraggly beard and MONSTER gauges in his earlobes) comes out and proceeds to tell me, “If you jiggle the handle enough it unlocks the door. If you had come in, we would have had a problem.”
WIDTS: If the fact that I, a traveler and therefore someone who is unlikely to EVER visit your store again, MIGHT have walked in on you in the restroom on one of your 30-minute “Avoid work as much as possible” piss breaks is a ‘problem’ you think needs to be addressed verbally, well then I guess I know how small your penis is, now don’t I?