Jailbait

So there’s this teenager I know who recently got into trouble by stealing money from the register where they worked. Pretty stupid, right? Yeah, incredibly stupid.

But this story gets even better.

They go to court and since they are a minor, the judge says they have to take a class and they are on probation for a year. If this idiot teenager stays out of trouble for that year then the theft charge will be expunged.

So what do they do this week? They post on Facebook that they pulled the fire alarm at school.
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Cancel?

Voice Response Unit(VRU) I ran into today: Please say the name of the person you wish to speak to.

Me: John Smith

VRU: I think you said Joan Williams. If this is correct, say ‘Correct’ If it is NOT correct, please say ‘Cancel’ to be returned to the previous menu.

WIDTS: If you can’t understand the name I spoke, why should I have any confidence that you will understand the difference between ‘Correct’ & ‘Cancel’

Non-Negotiables: My Responses

In response to the serious, and completely ridiculous, list of “non-negotiables” that a middle-aged, single woman posted on her blog, I present responses from a rational middle -aged man(Me):

  1.  Honesty/Integrity – Don’t lie to me that I’m the best you’ve ever had if I’m not. I’m a grown-up and can handle the truth. If you did share that I am not, in fact, the best you’ve ever had, I might be inclined to become BETTER!
  2. Dress – If you dress semi-slutty for our first date, I expect you to dress that way on a regular basis going forward.
  3. Confident/Secure – Don’t ask me if something makes your ass look fat. If you think so, then it does and no amount of “You look fabulous, honey.” from me is going to change your mind.
  4. Self-awareness – See the original post.
  5. Humility – Knows/accepts when she’s done or said something wrong and can apologize (no excuses, but rather reasons) – Because women are known to be bastions of humility and being able to accept when they are not correct, right?
  6. Responsible/Dependable –  Don’t go all apeshit on me when I tell you that I can’t afford to do the ENTIRE Prince Charming scenario all the Disney Princesses have implanted on your brain as realistic. I’m being RESPONSIBLE.
  7. Chemistry/Passion/Intensity/Sexual Compatibility – Two-way street, bitch. 
  8. Respectful –  Don’t go all apeshit on me when I tell you that I am not going to do the ENTIRE Prince Charming scenario all the Disney Princesses have implanted on your brain as realistic. That would be called disrespect.
  9. Non-procrastinator (terminal) – Well if I procrastinated getting involved in a long-term relationship with all the other middle-aged women with unrealistic expectations, you are certainly one that would change my mind… (rolls eyes)
  10. Must be good to me and FOR me (as well as for my children…i.e. male figure, role model) – While many a man credits their maturation into being respectable human beings to their woman, just as many credit their EX-women with making them crazy. 
  11. Enjoys snuggling/kissing/PDA – My idea of PDA probably includes a pinch of the ass, a squeeze of the boob or a lewd comment when around my friends. 
  12. Social/Work/Hobbies/Alone Time – And another confusing statement from a woman. Gee, what a surprise…
  13. E.Q. – the ability to correctly assess the emotions and oneself and those with whom one interacts – Right, because straight men are so in tune with their feelings and especially of those around them? Are you fucking insane?
  14. Conversation/Communication skills – Did I communicate my disdain of your exceedingly ludicrous standards sufficiently?
  15. Shares all household responsibilities (cooking/cleaning/bills etc) – So you’re going to share in all the car maintenance & yard work then?
  16. Ambition/Dreams/Goals – If this is defined as “run the rat race and earn enough money for me to live the pampered Disney Princess lifestyle I expect to become accustomed to”, well, let’s just say, we aren’t getting along. EVER.
  17. Non-abusive – Why is this not Number One? If I was a woman of any age, that’d be a non-starter issue right there. But it’s apparently not that big of a deal to you since it’s #17. So you’ll evidently put up with a little bit. Is Chris Brown your idea of a sexy man?
  18. Vulnerable – I’m not 15. I have life experience. Think of this as a challenge(#24).
  19. Compassionate – Obviously, I am not based on my responses to your “requirements” so far.
  20. Empathetic – Empathy. Compassion. Slightly different leaves from the same damn tree. Let’s move on…
  21. Willingness to grow – But when I add an extra 20 pounds to really be able to “drive my point home”, I bet I lose my grasp of #7 on your list, right?
  22. Boundaries – What. The. Fuck? Does that mean I can’t see your text messages because you are still searching for Prince Charming?
  23. Work Ethic – I’d have to have one that exceeded John Henry’s if I was to keep up with all of these damn requirements.
  24. Enriching/Challenging/Nurturing – I challenge you to make me a sandwich & bring me a beer…
  25. Sense of humor – The guy that gets this far into the list without laughing his ass off doesn’t have one. Strike 25. 
  26. Financial stability – Don’t go all apeshit on me when I tell you that I can’t afford to do the ENTIRE Prince Charming scenario all the Disney Princesses have implanted on your brain as realistic.
  27. And maybe even more….  – And if YOU don’t even know all that YOU want in a man, exactly WHAT man is going to be EVER able to measure up to your ridiculous standards?

Sunshine(out of My Ass) Award

Well, well, well, another ‘award’. This one is the Sunshine Award (because I’m just a FREAKING ray of gamma radiation, right?) bestowed by the sufficiently Sunshiny sassypanties. I humbly accept. sunshine-award1

Here are the rules of the Sunshine Award:

  • Include the award’s logo in a post or on your Blog.
  • Link to the person who nominated you.
  • Answer 10 questions about yourself.
  • Nominate 10 Bloggers.
  • Link your nominees to the post and comment on their Blogs, letting them know they have been nominated.

I suppose I should answer 10 questions about myself, but I really have a hard time sharing things about me that are revealing, so here’s my 10 questions:

  1. Favorite color: Red
  2. Fifth letter in my name? HA! It’s a blank as my first AND middle name are both only 4 letters long.
  3. Favorite vacation spot? Anywhere the rum flows freely and there are bikinis in abundance
  4. Favorite Song? I’ve had so many, but right now it’s Royal Bliss’ ‘I Got This” check the bottom of the post!
  5. Where have you lived? One place was Phoenix, AZ
  6. What do you do for a day job? Professional Bullshit Receiver
  7. Favorite drink? You aren’t paying attention…
  8. What did you do last weekend? A line or 3 of coke, a stripper, a prostitute and played a little football.
  9. Was that really what you did last weekend? You caught me, I didn’t play any football.
  10. Are you serious? As the heart attack you’re going to have one day if you don’t lighten up.

An Apology…

Parkour-pivot

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sorry kid. Didn’t see you using the bench I’m sitting on as a parkour launching pad.  Tell you what… I’ll pay for the doctor bills IF your parents can produce a video of them teaching you manners and how to act in public in the next 2 hours. Here’s a tissue for your bloody nose.

finaly Prefect #2

finaly Prefect<!–more-e

WIDTS: Did I miss any? Undoubtedly as I just focused on spelling and stuff that would make even a middle school student sit up and say, “Huh?”

Tell me what else should be corrected in the comments!

© 2010-2013 by What I Desired to Say….

Custom Screenprinting available! No order too small/large!

Houston, I’m Not The One With A Problem

So today, I take the step-kid into the convenience store to use the restroom. Door’s locked, but he really needs to go so he jiggles the handle.

After a couple minutes of hearing no activity on the other side of the door(that’s actually a really disturbing thought), I decide I’m going to jiggle the handle because whoever was in there might not have heard the urgency that was in the original jiggle of the handle. This prompts a flurry of activity from the person occupying the restroom.

A minute or so later he(one of the “Adventure Guides” all morbidly obese with a scraggly beard and MONSTER gauges in his earlobes) comes out and proceeds to tell me, “If you jiggle the handle enough it unlocks the door. If you had come in, we would have had a problem.”

WIDTS: If the fact that I, a traveler and therefore someone who is unlikely to EVER visit your store again, MIGHT have walked in on you in the restroom on one of your 30-minute “Avoid work as much as possible” piss breaks is a ‘problem’ you think needs to be addressed verbally, well then I guess I know how small your penis is, now don’t I?

finally Prefect

I present to you the following résumé which was titled “finally perfect” when it landed in my inbox to peruse to see if we should interview them for a job…Finally Prefect

 

WIDTS: Yes, that is the perfect résumé. Perfect for milking unemployment for every last red cent you bled into it. Kudos to you, dumbass.

I may just correct it and send it back to them. What do you think?

© 2010-2013 by What I Desired to Say….

Custom Screenprinting available! No order too small/large!