What a Prince!

So news is out that Prince William is going to take some paternity leave from the military. ‘Experts’ are calling his move ‘a precedent’ and saying ‘it sends a strong message’.

Here are the messages I’ve received:

A rich-beyond-measure fake ruler-to-be gets to take time off? Shocking!

People have taken this obsession with royalty to the extreme.

Even if he wasn’t rich, English law allows him the time AND a wage while he’s on the leave. It’s not a huge decision if you don’t completely suffer financially.

So what do I desire to say? England, get a fucking clue and end the drain on your economy and taxes by giving the royal the old heave ho. Tradition is nice and all, but when it stands in the way of progress it’s time to move out of the medieval times and join the rest of the Western world in the 21st century

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MILF Delivery

Ordered pizza tonight from ‘The Hut’ and as the driver left, a horrible thought entered my head.

“That jerk didn’t give me enough crushed red pepper!”

But, I’ll bet the thought that ran through his mind was “That jerk didn’t tip me and he even congratulated me on being 15 minutes early!”

And then it dawned on me. I didn’t tip him. I grabbed a couple bucks and ran to the door but he had pulled away and around the corner.

I felt like the biggest jerk, and I was. Then I realized we only lived like 2 blocks from the store. So after we had eaten and put the kid to bed, I went over to the store and told the cashier what happened. She told me the driver was out but should be back soon.

So I waited for him to return from another delivery where hopefully, he got a tip from the MILF he just delivered to.

After that, my tip was going to be inconsequential, but I was determined to make it right.

So he came up to the counter and I gave him a $5 for a $15 order. He said it made his night.

I said, “You need to find better MILF’s to deliver to, my man.”

The moral of the story? Live further away from the pizza store. I’m out $5 AND my fantasy of a pizza delivery porno bit the dust.

Fly Away

Caller: I have a complaint.

CSR: I’m sorry about that. I will do what I can to make things right. What was the problem?

Caller: I wasn’t able to open the window on my flight from New York to Los Angeles.

WIDTS: Well, let me fix that right now. Your next flight is free. Make sure you tell the flight attendant to open the ‘special’ window in the back for you. Also, you should mention invoking Protocol Z before they do.

Movie Irony

I don’t recall if I have posted about this before or not, but since I’ve been light on content lately, here goes…

I went to see Despicable Me 2 tonight with the family. And while we’re watching the previews, we see the whole Turn-Off-Your-Phone PSA. No big deal, right? They play it before every single movie and twice before Tom Cruise movies to make up for his height. (Jack Reacher? Really?)

Well, I’m going to make it a big deal now. Why? Because not even 15 minutes prior to this POS PSA the theatre shows an ad for it’s phone app. You know the one: “Download our app and you’ll be inundated with ads for things you could definitely live without and have for the entirety of your life so far!able to earn fun rewards!

Well that’s all fine and dandy except for one thing. The fact that for you to achieve these ‘free’ rewards, guess what you have to do? That’s right. You have to activate the app and LEAVE YOUR PHONE ON THROUGH THE ENTIRE MOVIE.

WIDTS: Hey movie theatre retards, I stopped turning my phone off during movies after I watched The Ring and my phone rang as soon as I turned it back on. Let’s just understand that no one is going to turn their phone off for a two hour movie and you can make another PSA that matches actual reality instead of movie ‘reality’, mmkay?