Notes from an account today…

Suzie Controller* states that she doesn’t want to participate in any payment initiative for any high dollar amount transactions due to the merchant fees for those transactions and rather than setting a dollar limit per transaction, she would prefer to not participate at all. She did state though that credit card payments could be made online. To pay by credit card you must go to*.

WIDTS: So you don’t want to participate due to the fees you’re going to be charged anyway when I decide to make my payment online? If it makes sense to a government employee, it has to be logical to everyone else, right? 

Does anyone else see why government-think is a retarded state of mind?


*names & identifying information has been changed to protect the guilty and to increase the hilarity.


Unable to Received…

A note received with an enrollment to receive payments by credit card.

Please note that we are unable to received full credit card numbers via email. Please call me directly if this is the case.


Buy 50, get 3 FREE!

From an email we received at work:

I was hoping to speak to someone regarding a change by [redacted] to Credit Card payment for our Staffing Services. Our preferred method of payment is ACH. There would be a 6% increase in services rendered in order to process via Credit Card.

WIDTS: So you’re going to give me 6% MORE employees when I pay you with a credit card? So if I hire 50, I get 3 free?

How Much More Digital Can I Be?

Here’s a story of what happened today at work.

We work with a number of companies in calling their suppliers to let them know that their customer would like to pay them via an automated credit card payment. We send the suppliers an email with the form that they need to fill out in order to enroll in the automated payments program.

Here is a question that one of the agents asked me today:

Agent: So this supplier wants us to send them a digital copy of the enrollment form.

Me: So they didn’t get the original email?

Agent: No, they got it, they just want a digital copy of the enrollment form.

WIDTS: Send them this: 01010011 01101001 01101110 01100011 01100101 0100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 0100000 01100101 01101101 01100001 01101001 01101100 0100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 0100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 0100000 01110011 01110101 01100110 01100110 01101001 01100011 01101001 01100101 01101110 01110100 01101100 01111001 0100000 01100100 01101001 01100111 01101001 01110100 01100001 01101100 0100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 0100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 0101100 0100000 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 0100000 01101001 01110011 0100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 0100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01101101 0100000 01101001 01101110 0100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 0100000 01100011 01101111 01100100 01100101 0100000 01100010 01100101 01100011 01100001 01110101 01110011 01100101 0100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 0100000 01101111 01100010 01110110 01101001 01101111 01110101 01110011 01101100 01111001 0100000 01100100 01101111 0100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 0100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 0100000 01110011 01110000 01100101 01100001 01101011 0100000 01000101 01101110 01100111 01101100 01101001 01110011 01101000 0101110

(If you want to know what it says, just follow the link.)

© 2010-2013 by What I Desired to Say….

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What I DID Say

This post is one from a time I DID say what I was thinking to an unreasonable customer. Enjoy!

Jacksonville, FL, September 22, 2008 -- At the...

Caller: Why am I paying interest on a cash advance? Where did that come from?

Me: I’m not sure, sir. Let’s see if we can find out. May I place you on hold for a few minutes? It looks like I need to call and have old statements made available to me.

Caller: Sure

(pause, beautiful ads play while sporadically interrupted with annoying music.)

The United States government paid the Brazilia...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Me: OK sir, it looks like there was a $100 cash advance taken out on your card on January, 18th 2010.

Caller: OK yeah, I needed cash to buy some tickets from a friend. But seriously, it would have to be paid off by now, right?

Me: Actually, no, sir. Because of the different interest rates on purchases and cash advances and how payments you make are allocated to your balance, the cash advance is only paid off when the balance is paid of in full.

Caller: Are you FUCKING serious?! How much interest have I been charged on that $100?

Me: (knowing he would probably be asking, I had added it up beforehand) It appears to be $51.23, sir and it is increasing every month because the interest on that balance is not paid until the balance is paid in full as I mentioned before.

Caller: WHAT!? You have got to be kidding me! Well how can I change how the payment is applied?

Me: You cannot, sir. the payments are applied this way for all accounts and there is no way it can be changed for just one.

Caller: Well I want to talk to someone who can change this and I want to talk to them right now!

Creation of the Sun and Moon by Michelangelo, ...

Me: Alright sir, but I’m pretty sure God is just a tad busy. The hold time to speak with him might be excessive.

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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iTuned Out

iTunes Icon

iTunes icon

Found on a popular Q&A site:Using a giftcard on iTunes will show up on credit card bill? If I buy songs with a gift card, will the songs show up
on our credit card statement?

WIDTS: Yes they will. just like using cash to buy all that meth will. Those sneaky banks.

© 2011 by What I Desired to Say…

I Heard English, But…

Me: Did you want to use Visa or Mastercard today sir?

Caller: American Express.

Me: In which language do the words ‘Visa’ or ‘MasterCard‘ translate into American Express, sir?

*Actual caller handled by me while working for an answering service. Names & Identifying information have been changed. Bolded text is what I DESIRED to say…*

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say….


A diagram showing the front side of a typical ...

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Question posted on a popular Q&A site: My chase debit card won’t work? I had gotten a chase debit card about a week or two ago, and I have been using it for all my daily purchases (gas, groceries, etc.), and I had tried using it at the gas station today, only to get it declined. I just deposited money into my account, so why is it saying I have insufficient funds?

WIDTS: I am not a Chase Employee, but currently off work. If you would like to give me your account info, I promise I will get to the bottom of this obviously retarded tragic situation and get back to you ASAP.

© 2011 by What I Desired to Say….