You-knee-verse-it-ee Graduate

Text from a phone script written by an alleged university graduate:
ok lletr me send over the enrollment form  fill it out and send it back to me after i recieve it  u will get a confirmation email stateing u hve been enrolled   
thank u for ur time u hve a great rest of da day
WIDTS: What university did you graduate from? Brigham Young University?
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Contradictions in Humanity

Does it bother anyone else when you receive a statement from an alleged professional that contradicts itself?

To wit, the following statement:

Thank you for considering Denseon for the payment plus program. We had a project with Mountain View previously and it’s paid in full. As of now, we do not have any upcoming jobs. Denseon will only accept payment by credit card in the future if it’s for incidental work meaning under $5k. Much larger projects will have to be paid by credit card due to high costs in fees.

Thanks for talking yourself into this payment program and being so CLEARLY stupid…

 

 

Efficient Idiocy

An email received today at work. As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty:

BallzDeep, LC acknowledges Habit’s new credit card
payment program and we have emailed the enrollment form to you in a separate email. Please let us know if you require any additional information to enroll us in your new program.

Regards,
Kitten

Kitten Kitty
Accounts Receivable

WIDTS: I am so glad you sent me an email to let me know you sent me another email with the information I was requesting. That was so EFFICIENTLY idiotic of you!

Please Advise…

A portion of a letter we send out on a regular basis:

We recently launched a Procure to Pay initiative to pay our suppliers through a Commercial Visa Card. Our goal is to optimize our commercial card program in order to improve process efficiencies by reducing the cost of processing purchase orders, invoices and checks and improve cash flow.

As a key supplier of our company, we would like to begin paying you using Visa Commercial Card instead of a check or other payment methods.

A response we received from a Supplier:

Please advise what part needs to be completed by our company, because it looks to me like this form is intended for your customer and not us.

WIDTS: Please advise how many times you had to fuck the boss to get your current position.

Buy 50, get 3 FREE!

From an email we received at work:

I was hoping to speak to someone regarding a change by [redacted] to Credit Card payment for our Staffing Services. Our preferred method of payment is ACH. There would be a 6% increase in services rendered in order to process via Credit Card.

WIDTS: So you’re going to give me 6% MORE employees when I pay you with a credit card? So if I hire 50, I get 3 free?

These Are My Co-Workers: Just the Fax Edition

Like many companies today, we receive faxes through a cloud-based service that delivers the fax to an email address that everyone has access to. The following is an actual event:

Co-Worker: Is there any way to check and see if we got a fax?

WIDTS: In the immortal words of Donald Trump, which were edited to appease the television censors, “Are you shitting me? Are you fucking serious? Get the hell out of my sight. You’re fired!”

MILF Delivery

Ordered pizza tonight from ‘The Hut’ and as the driver left, a horrible thought entered my head.

“That jerk didn’t give me enough crushed red pepper!”

But, I’ll bet the thought that ran through his mind was “That jerk didn’t tip me and he even congratulated me on being 15 minutes early!”

And then it dawned on me. I didn’t tip him. I grabbed a couple bucks and ran to the door but he had pulled away and around the corner.

I felt like the biggest jerk, and I was. Then I realized we only lived like 2 blocks from the store. So after we had eaten and put the kid to bed, I went over to the store and told the cashier what happened. She told me the driver was out but should be back soon.

So I waited for him to return from another delivery where hopefully, he got a tip from the MILF he just delivered to.

After that, my tip was going to be inconsequential, but I was determined to make it right.

So he came up to the counter and I gave him a $5 for a $15 order. He said it made his night.

I said, “You need to find better MILF’s to deliver to, my man.”

The moral of the story? Live further away from the pizza store. I’m out $5 AND my fantasy of a pizza delivery porno bit the dust.

An Apology…

Parkour-pivot

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sorry kid. Didn’t see you using the bench I’m sitting on as a parkour launching pad.  Tell you what… I’ll pay for the doctor bills IF your parents can produce a video of them teaching you manners and how to act in public in the next 2 hours. Here’s a tissue for your bloody nose.

finaly Prefect #2

finaly Prefect<!–more-e

WIDTS: Did I miss any? Undoubtedly as I just focused on spelling and stuff that would make even a middle school student sit up and say, “Huh?”

Tell me what else should be corrected in the comments!

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