Useless User

Note on a piece of correspondence we received today…

Your website doesn’t work.

WIDTS: Happily, the only ‘fix’ for my website is electro-shock therapy for the malfunctioning user. Enjoy!


Twitter Invades!

A business-to-business communication:

Attached is the info requested..any questions pls let us now..thanks

WIDTS: Twitter nor a teenager’s phone this is NOT!


Please Advise…

A portion of a letter we send out on a regular basis:

We recently launched a Procure to Pay initiative to pay our suppliers through a Commercial Visa Card. Our goal is to optimize our commercial card program in order to improve process efficiencies by reducing the cost of processing purchase orders, invoices and checks and improve cash flow.

As a key supplier of our company, we would like to begin paying you using Visa Commercial Card instead of a check or other payment methods.

A response we received from a Supplier:

Please advise what part needs to be completed by our company, because it looks to me like this form is intended for your customer and not us.

WIDTS: Please advise how many times you had to fuck the boss to get your current position.

Does it Apply?

So I am the quality control supervisor at my job. Today, I had to send back a paper to an agent because they did not include a note from the supplier to their customer which read, “We require the billing address also.”

He then sends back the following response: “Would this apply?”

I reply, “If they REQUIRE it, I’m pretty sure it would apply, right?”

Not getting the hint, he then got up from his desk asked me what I meant. He had this to sa about his previous response, “I was asking if what I added was correct.”

WIDTS: You’ve spoken and heard English for all 22 of your years on this Earth and “Would this apply?” means “Is this correct?” to you? Seems legit… to dudes whose girlfriend’s beat them up.


Buy 50, get 3 FREE!

From an email we received at work:

I was hoping to speak to someone regarding a change by [redacted] to Credit Card payment for our Staffing Services. Our preferred method of payment is ACH. There would be a 6% increase in services rendered in order to process via Credit Card.

WIDTS: So you’re going to give me 6% MORE employees when I pay you with a credit card? So if I hire 50, I get 3 free?

These Are My Co-Workers: Just the Fax Edition

Like many companies today, we receive faxes through a cloud-based service that delivers the fax to an email address that everyone has access to. The following is an actual event:

Co-Worker: Is there any way to check and see if we got a fax?

WIDTS: In the immortal words of Donald Trump, which were edited to appease the television censors, “Are you shitting me? Are you fucking serious? Get the hell out of my sight. You’re fired!”

These Are My Co-Workers

Notes from an inter-office memo I came across:

8/28 – Let me know what you would like me to do – AA
8/27 – Please email the enrollment form to them so they can enroll – AW

WIDTS: These are my co-workers. Please use this as Exhibit 1 in my defense during the upcoming murder trial. Thank you.