Self-tech Help for Idiots

Self-Tech Support for the user

computer-user-shocked

Things you should do when encountering a hiccup in your technological workings.

1. Capture the error message in full. Even those ‘words’ that are just a bunch of letters/numbers. They can be the most important part of the error message.

2. Close the program and restart it.

3. If web-based, clear cache & cookies.

4. Turn your device off and on. (It’s a cliché because it fucking WORKS).

5. NOW you may contact tech support.

Failure to abide by the above instructions in the prescribed order, may result in thermal detonation of your workspace.

Redux: Obvious, or General Oblivious?

Originally posted on February 18, 2010:

Caller: Trying to go from channel 500 to channel 110 is a lot of channels to do one at a time.

WIDTS: Thank you for pointing that out. I had no idea. Since I failed 4th grade math, I have always wondered why it took so long to go from channel 500 to channel 110 one channel at a time.

© 2010-2012 by What I Desired to Say….

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Redux: Not Connected…

Originally posted on February, 18, 2010:

CALLER: Hi, I need the password to connect to my wireless internet.

Wi-Fi Alliance logo

ME: Sure, I can help with that. It can be found on a sticker on the side of your router and it is called a WEP key.

CALLER: This thing labeled WEP key is my password to the wireless internet?

ME: Yes, but it has to be read using 3-D glasses.

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say….

Custom Screenprinting available! No order too small/large!

Going Michael Jackson

(I work as an agent that fixes others tax programs)

Me: “Thank you for calling [company], how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m having a problem with the [program].”

Me: “What exactly is going on?”

Customer: “The little screen goes black then white. How do I get
that to stop?”

(I replicate the ‘problem’ on my computer and it’s how the software is, therefore the only way to fix it is to re-write the entire program to his preference.)

Me: “Sir, is it preventing you from working?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “This is normal. As you can see it happens to all the other years, it’s just-“

Customer: “No it ain’t, not when it goes Michael Jackson on me!”

WIDTS: “Yes it is normal sir, and if you wait a few more seconds it will do the moonwalk.”

 

Submitted by WordPress user The-Marnray

© 2012 by What I Desired to Say….

Completely Wrong

Me: Hello, I am having yet another issue with my phone. Phone# is 385.555.1234 PIN is 123456.

Last night while browsing the web, I clicked on a link and the phone displayed the error message “An application file is corrupted. Please contact customer care to reset your device.” and then the phone did a soft reset. After it completed the reset, I went back to that site and clicked on another link and got the same message and experienced another soft reset. Rather Damn annoying I tell you.

Tech “Support” Rep: Good morning Customer,
We are sorry to hear that you are experiencing issues with your services.  We thank you for providing your account information.  We have reset your 3G services within your account.  Can you remove your battery and retry your services again?  Kindly let us know the results once performed.

WIDTS: Sure, I can try a step that has NOTHING to do with the problem as reported! If an app file on the PHONE ITSELF is corrupted how is resetting my profile on the network going to change that?

Tech “Support” Rep: Hello Customer, What specific link did you click before you received the application file error message?

Me: Well there were 2 links @ urbandictionary.com and another occurred when I tried to use the “Share Page” feature in Opera Mini to share a page via email

Tech “Support” Rep: Hello Customer,
In regards to the links that you clicked on Urban Dictionary, we do not have any troubleshooting steps provided to us in regards to the links.  The links that you clicked on may have been corrupted and are part of a third party service, which we do not guarantee to work.  Were the links parts of a third party source?  For the Opera Mini issue, have you attempted to uninstall and reinstall the application, if possible?

Me: So once my rage at another damn problem ebbed and I resumed thinking rationally, I realized that the issue was possibly an Opera Mini issue so I re-installed it. This fixed the issue @ urbandictionary.com but not the problem with email shares in Opera Mini.

Tech “Support” Rep: Hello Customer,
In regards to your Opera Mini issue, are you attempting to share a particular link to Facebook or just through email?  Are you receiving any particular type of error message when attempting to do so?  We are happy to hear that the issue with urban dictionary has been resolved.

Me: Apparently, they have assigned my case to 3,000 chimpanzees that can’t read and eventually banged out an allegedly coherent response. I think we’ve already established what the damn error message is that I get. No, I didn’t get the error when I tried to share it via Facebook or Twitter; just when I try to share it through email.

Tech “Support” Rep: Hello Todd,
We are going to provide you with some troubleshooting steps to see if this may alleviate the issue.  Kindly follow the steps below and let us know the results.

1. Exit the Opera Mini application.
2. Launch the Open Wave browser (Up on the navigation key).
3. Go to the URL www.yahoo.com and click OK.
4. After the yahoo.com page is displayed, press the red button to exit.
5. Validate that Opera Mini is functioning properly.

WIDTS: Even though you have used the word ‘alleviate’, I fail to see any intelligence in your response to my issue. How the HELL is opening ANOTHER browser going to confirm that the Opera Mini browser is working properly?

Logic training failed

Me: the phone reprogram failed. I received an error mesage of: “Service programming changes were not stored”

Tech support via Twitter DM: So you were not able to re-program the phone?

WIDTS: WHATEVER gave you the idea that I was not able to re-program the phone? It went FLAWLESSLY!

© 2011 by What I Desired to Say….

 

Not Connected…

CALLER: Hi, I need the password to connect to my wireless internet.

Wi-Fi Alliance logo

ME: Sure, I can help with that. It can be found on a sticker on the side of your router and it is called a WEP key.

CALLER: This thing labeled WEP key is my password to the wireless internet?

ME: Yes, but it has to be read using 3-D glasses.

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say….

Custom Screenprinting available! No order too small/large!

Captain Obvious, or General Oblivious?

Caller: Trying to go from channel 500 to channel 110 is a lot of channels to do one at a time.

WIDTS: Thank you for pointing that out. I had no idea. Since I failed 4th grade math, I have always wondered why it took so long to go from channel 500 to channel 110 one channel at a time.

© 2010 by What I Desired to Say….

Custom Screenprinting available! No order too small/large!